How Not to Fly with Children

By Emily
Children can be wonderful. They have unique perspectives and personalities, they're the sweetest creatures on Earth when they want to be, and Heaven knows they say the darnedest things. But after several years of flying between my home in New Hampshire and my student life in Utah, I have learned to avoid the pesky little buggers like the plague. On flights, that is. If you are flying with your own children, boy does my heart go out to you! But if you don't have any children of your own, you'd be wise to stay as far away from them on airplanes as you possibly can. This may seem a bit harsh. "Why on Earth would I avoid such charming creatures!" you may be asking. And even if you share my children-on-plane-o-phobia, you're probably wondering how you can even attempt to avoid them. Either way, you're in luck, because I am about to answer those very questions.

The Problem with Kids:

As delightful as kids can be, there are two main problems I've encountered when children are nearby on my plane flights. The first (and probably the most obvious) is that they can be unbearably loud, especially infants. Many parents bring infants and small children on overnight flights, assuming their children will sleep through the flight and save everyone a lot of trouble. The problem is, in my experience kids are even less likely to fall asleep on an airplane at night. The flight takes off, their ears pop, they start crying, and next thing you know the poor things are too tired and cranky to fall asleep. The problem only gets worse when you sit in a section where there are lots of babies. When one starts crying, the others usually follow, and if you have sensitive hearing you're likely to spend the entire flight with a splitting headache, desperately wishing you'd had the luck to sit elsewhere.

The other major problem I've encountered is that kids are just too gosh darn cute to say no to, and their parents often expect fellow passengers to accommodate their children's whims. In fact, I have never once sat in the same row as a kid, without his or her parent rushing to get onto the plane first, plopping the kid in my seat, and then asking with a sweet voice "you don't mind letting a little kid take the window seat, do you?" And as mean I'm trying to sound in this post, even I can't say no to that. So even though I always specifically request a window seat, I usually end up caving in.

Maybe this doesn't sound so bad to you,and I realize I may sound a little heartless by encouraging you to avoid children with so much zeal, but let me tell you how children and their parents destroyed a five-hour red-eye flight for me. On this flight I had to change my seat twice because of children. First I got to my window seat and found a little girl sitting in it. Her mother used loaded terms like "cute little girl," when she asked me to give up the seat, and the way she phrased it was more a rhetorical question than anything else. First she asked if I'd prefer an aisle seat, and when I said no, I'd prefer my window seat, she said, "oh, well you wouldn't mind trading seats with a cute little girl, would you? She really wants to look out the window. You wouldn't mind, would you?" And, come on, who could say no to that?

Unfortunately, in the very row across from us there was a young family. The parents had two babies and a little boy. They had paid for only three seats, since the babies were both sitting in their laps. Unfortunately, though, each row only had four oxygen masks, making it unsafe for five people to sit in one row. The flight attendant insisted one of the parents would have to take one of the babies and sit elsewhere. They still wanted to sit near each other so they could help each other out of course, but everyone else sitting that region of the plane seemed to be sitting with a child of their own. Finally the flight attendant asked me if I could move. This time I wasn't just being nice - the plane could not take off until someone agreed to switch, and there was nowhere else for me to move since the flight was full.

Don't get me wrong - I had done a good thing, and if I were faced with that choice again, I'd again trade seats. But I spent the entire red-eye flight in an aisle seat, in the very back row of the plane. A young father, a baby, and a little boy sat on one side of me. Right across from me in the other aisle, the mother and the baby sat. She and her husband handed bags, snacks, diapers and coloring books back and forth across me all evening. I tried to look on the bright side by reminding myself I'd have an easier time getting out of my seat to use the restroom. Instead, we were so far back in the plane that someone brushed against me every time they tried to use the restroom, so I couldn't sleep. When I did need to use the restroom, the line was so long and the aisle so narrow that it was impossible for me to get out of my seat and walk to the back of the line. Honestly, it was a night from Hell.

Convinced? If not, go ahead and sit next to the next little demon in pigtails you see. Be fooled by the crayons, the missing tooth, and the giggles. But if you're starting to see the light, here's my advice:

1. DO NOT SIT IN THE BACK OF THE PLANE. Seriously - parents usually sit there so they can be near the restroom, so you're choosing the noisiest section.

2. Get to your seat as soon as possible, especially if you're stuck sitting in the back. That can help you avoid the awkward dilemma of either giving up your seat or asking a child to move when she's already sat down with her coloring book and markers. Trust me, you don't want to wind up in that position.

3. Get as early a boarding group as you can if you're on a flight that doesn't do reservations, like Southwest. With Southwest, you usually get an excellent boarding position by checking in online 24 hours in advance. And then, if after half the flight has already boarded you discover that you're sitting in baby zone even though you did your best to avoid it, don't be afraid to take advantage of the unassigned seats and get up and move. It will be a slight inconvenience, and it may look rude, but if it saves you from hours of painful headaches, it's worth it.

4. Be prepared - sometimes you're stuck with noisy neighbors and can't do anything but adjust. Have earplugs, headphones, aspirin, and anything else that will help.

5. Say no to cuteness. It's ok and even admirable to be flexible in order to help someone else out, but if the parents of the child are really just using underhanded tricks to try to get you to give up your seat, it's probably ok to stand firm and say "sorry, but I really do need that seat." Even if the little girl or little boy is the most adorable thing since the Gerber baby.

Ignore my advice if you must, but be prepared for the noise and the cuteness. Both will happen, you can be sure of that.